Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
