I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
