fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
