1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
