everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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