Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
