Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
