listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
