I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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