Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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