Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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