but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I need a beard to bite.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize