This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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