You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
