Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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