i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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