It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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