why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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