your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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