No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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