Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
