a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize