Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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