For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
