this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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