That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
