Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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