I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
