I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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