there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
