OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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