can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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