U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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