um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
