This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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