I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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