I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
