I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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