Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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