I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
