Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
