I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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