And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
