im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
