This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
