I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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