: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
