now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
