I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
