I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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