The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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