So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
