# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
