As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
