You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
