3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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