I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
