I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
