I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
