your parents love me but you hate me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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